It was a long, long time ago that I first started my first blog. Anyone remember ‘My Fashionable Life’? It was the first incarnation, and by far the most successful in terms of readership but also in terms of momentum. It was a journey. The blog had it’s own trajectory. I started it without even knowing what the eventual subject matter would be – then I re-started knitting following a long hiatus. Then I discovered that people (normal everyday people, like me!) were designing knitwear – and oh my goodness, so much of it was hideous!
Next I tried my hand at knitwear design (remember, all of this was happening ‘live’, on the blog) and discovered, to my delight, that I could do it! I pushed myself, I did more, the blog audience grew, I published some patterns, people bought them… so exciting! I had so many readers, so many comments – and for a shy extravert like me, who simply thrives on feedback from others, it was intoxicating.
Life is so different now. For a start, ‘fashionable’? Not really. Back then, I worked in marketing, had client meetings to attend and expendable income to indulge myself. These days I am a work-at-home mum with a preschooler and one on the way. I usually manage to brush my hair and teeth (Stanley is three-and-a-half now, after all), but fantasise about hiring a personal shopper who will help me put together stylish and comfortable ensembles suitable for working at home. Yoga pants and jeans are comfortable, practical… but oh, I am so bored of my reflection in the mirror.
To an extent, that depresses me. I do still love fashion, and style, but it’s just not something that realistically fits into my every day life. I don’t have any spare income, and even if I did how would I justify spending it on clothes that nobody will ever see! But on the other… well, this is who I have become. The landscape of my existence has totally changed. In many ways I am happier than I ever was – but I do miss that flow, the excitement, the thrill of feeling that I was good at what I was doing.
I still love knitwear and designing, but after a three year hiatus from doing any serious, dedicated work on it – well, there is a pretty big mountain to climb in terms of getting that kind of momentum up again.
Honestly, I don’t even know if it can be done. I don’t know if it’s the ‘right thing to do’ to keep going with this, or even if there is a right thing… it doesn’t feel particularly right, but then it doesn’t feel wrong either, and I am less sure of myself and my direction than I used to be.
Gah… I’m a writer, a writer and I can’t seem to find a conclusion here. Maybe there just isn’t one yet. I will press ‘publish’ and at least be glad that I’ve written something, put something out there, and maybe the next time will be less daunting, less burdened by history.