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June 19, 2008
Five days shy of seven months
Sitting up... starting to feed himself... trying to give his mummy kisses
Posted by Anna at 01:00 PM | Comments (47) | TrackBack
Well that didn't last long
I don't like having that post up there first so here let's do a meme for a change, stolen from the last place I saw it (at Philippa's). I haven't done one in the longest time.
1) What was I doing 10 years ago?
Ten years ago I was nearly 26 and had been married for 9 months and we were planning our big 'reception' that we had at my grandparents' house. I was working at the same place that I am now, although in a completely different role (the great thing about working for a small company is that if you say 'hm, I think I would like copywriting,' you can have a go). The marriage was going well despite the fact that we had known each other for just a few weeks before tying the knot. We were living in a lovely, small, romantic flat with a view over the rooftops and had a new small kitten, our beloved Tricky (God rest her furry soul), a wonderful black cat in the tradition of Harvey. Mr Raitte and I were both still struggling with our own demons of depression, but I was very much looking forward to our big party. Especially shopping for a dress, and shoes.
2) What are 5 things on my to-do list for today?
1. Do a big shop. The cupboard is very bare.
2. Go to Stash and look for something lovely to make (yet another) Clapotis in record speed.
3. Make a start on organising the chaos that is our bedroom, especially sorting out yarn to destash
4. Lay out all of Stanley's going-to-bed accoutrements so that Mr Raitte can find everything as he is on going-to-bed duty this evening and is also the world's worst finder of things that are not immediately to hand.
5. Go to a Hawaiian-themed work party for a short while. This is causing anxiety but is something I should probably do anyway.
(6. Express milk - on every day's to-do list)
3) Snacks I enjoy:
Taramasalata and toasted pita bread. Cheese with fig chutney on oatcakes. Toast and butter and honey. Biscuits of any variety. Cereal. Raw carrots. Apples. A banana chopped into thick natural yoghurt with a handful of muesli. Leftovers spooned out of the pot and into my mouth. Yum - snacks are in many ways more inviting than actual meals. Unfortunately for me, Mr Raitte has a terrible sweet tooth so there is usually chocolate in the freezer and I am afraid that the snap of very cold chocolate is something I am not often able to resist.
4) Things I would do if I were a billionaire:
Pay back my parents for their enormous investment. Set aside enough to see Stanley right (although not enough that he never had to learn the value of a pound). Take care of my brother and sister. Subsidise research into effective green technologies. Try and be good, and do good, with it. Move somewhere a bit bigger, but not much, but enough that there would be room for our furniture. Hire someone to do the gardening for me - I love gardens but don't particularly care for the gardening.
5) Places I have lived:
London. That is all. Perhaps I should spread my wings a bit.
6) Jobs I have had:
Shop girl, receptionist, typist, office administrator, account manager, copywriter. Most recently, mother.
7) Bloggers I am tagging who I will enjoy getting to know better:
I think just about everyone has done this now but if you haven't, and you do it, let me know in the comments because I am insufferably nosey.
Posted by Anna at 08:28 AM | Comments (9) | TrackBack
I'm terribly sorry, I seem to be showing a bit of my soul
I can't help it. I really do feel like I've failed, even if I've only failed myself (and isn't that the worst kind). Everything is 'could haves' and 'should haves', and that is no way to good mental health. I can't keep from comparing myself to other new mothers, who seem to me to be completing books and starting new ones and accomplishing all manner of sparking achievements with nary a stumble.
Meanwhile I am knitting on in faith that I will find something to write about, something to feel excited about, something to communicate. I am writing here because I do not want to give up. I absolutely do not want to give up, but I am terrified that my inspiration and creativity are deserting me. Perhaps it is a matter of confidence. The fear comes because, in my adult life, I have either been depressed, or I have been knitting and writing. Yarn, and words, were literally a lifeline to me. I am not brave enough to let go.
When I announced that I was withdrawing from my book contract, I bravely took the position that other opportunities would present themselves, but if I am not writing or knitting, no, they will not. Soon I will go back to work and will have even less time than at present. Fear and sadness are biting at my heels. Frankly, I am terrified. This can't continue.
Where do you go when your well of inspiration is empty? Head up, shoulders back, deep breath, keep going.
anna
x
PS: Before posting, I generally scan each entry for personal pronouns and delete as many I's, my's and me's as possible. You will notice that this time I skipped that particular step.
Posted by Anna at 08:05 AM | Comments (46) | TrackBack